Episode 5 "Who Stole My Chees?"

I arrived at our regular coffee shop and found Ravi already tucking into his kosong.

Me : Whassup Dawg?

Ravi : The fella's curry a bit salty dah today. Must be leftover shit from last nite but not bad la. Boleh tahan.

Me : No la. It's been fucking hot the past few days so the mama must be sweating like fuck. That's why it's salty.

Ravi : Fuck you la.

I went on to order my breakfast and teh tarik. I was hungry and it was good. We started our usual pointless banter after our fill.

Ravi : Eh.. Have you been following the story in the papers about the Wonder Twins who are trying to take old man and PM to the cleaners in the High Court? The two lah... Cheese and his sister Shiok from the Sooper Dooper Party.

Me : I read every single word dawg. The shit is damn fucking funny and the stunts they pull can put Cirque Du Soleil out of business. One is a fucking fruit and her brother is a nut. After that, along comes this Bozo to complete the circus act and the fucking chocolate bar. You know la the fella who was from the opposition, left SIngapore and migrated to the Canary Islands. Appropriate for a real bird brain. I think he's a vet or something cos from his blog I sense he has very little human interaction cos he seems to be going bananas with some ape-shit stories. All monkey business la dawg.

Ravi : Hahahaha! You are full of shit la Kumbi. I read his blog too. There's just one thing I don't understand. The fella keeps harping on freedom of speech and the right to protest and all that shit but you can't post comments on his blog. He wants you to email them to him so he'll choose what he wants to publish.Then how does he know that there are 'countless Singaporeans' behind him? As he claims in the blog. I don't get it.

Me : Dawg... Maybe his math teacher died or maybe not everyone who goes to school gets educated. Look dawg, this Kumbi is a wanker who claims mothers in Singapore who bring up their children here aren't worth their salt. The fucker must must have grown up on a high MSG and low salt diet. Look at his crown dah dei. It's barren on the outside and inside. Also I get the feeling he seems to feel really suppressed. Maybe all he has to do is switch to boxers dawg.

Ravi : Ya balls!

Me : This Cheese also one kind. The idea of interrogating a witness is to try your best to make sure the fella don't twist and turn the story. Alamak! When he put old man on the stand he started flipping his own fucking stories and questions like flapjacks balls. Suddenly everyone lost got lost in the lallang balls. I really wonder what the fuck goes on in that head of his la. The fucker's hormones tak balance babe.

Ravi : Dawg... They fucking go on and on about freedom of this and freedom of that but I don't get it la. Cos they seem to be the really free ones who are out there to 'Talk SHit or Die Tryin'. If I follow this Kumbi and his posse around then who's gonna pay for my kudi when we go out balls?

Me : Fuck you la bitch. You haven't paid me for the last 2 bottles.

Ravi : That's not the point la.

Me : Yeah yeah... Anyway I think it's a good thing we have these Kumbis doing all the shit they're doing. The entertainment value is fucking A dawg. Nothing much really happens here so I welcome the 3 ring circus.

Ravi : Tonite how?

Me : Bar Jay then BN la.

Ravi : On!

Episode 4 "Amnesia"

It took me almost 5 minutes to realise I was on my bed and in my bedroom. Last night must have been heavy if I was in this state balls. For some strange reason a Queen medley was still ringing in my ears. I just couldn't remember anything except that I was out with the boys at MOX. I reached out for my phone to call Ravi and that's when I saw 7 SMSes.

Ravi's - Para Pundek! You had to do it. Call me when you get this.
Biggie's - KNN Fucking Bayi! You FINISH now!
Haji's - Bayi Power!
Jaja's - Dawg... Full report in the morning! I want the 411
Spartan's - Call me when u get this Paris Hilton!
Marc Anthony's - Fucking bitch! Fucking fucking bitch!
Charlie Chapati - Why dawg? Why?

I didn't quite understand what was going on and figured I'd find out after breakfast. I must have done some kinda mabuk shit. Probably mooned everyone. Again. No big deal. Then I heard a voice from the kitchen.

Voice : Baby are you up yet? Breakfast is ready!

I was pretty sure that was Beyoncé.

Me : Yah! I'm coming!

I got out of bed and made for the bath. I stood up and noticed there were scratches all over my body and began to wonder if I had heard the right person. It's probably Michelle in the kitchen, I thought to myself. She's violent in bed. But that bitch'll never fix breakfast let alone get out of bed before me.

There's hope for world peace.

There she stood. Right before my very eyes. In the bathroom in front of the mirror butt naked. It was Michelle!

NOW WHO THE FUCK IS MAKING BREAKFAST?!

I didn't know what to do and felt as if blood was leaving my body. My soul wasn't gonna hang around to watch my sudden and violent demise either. I was waiting to see the bright light so I could cross over to the other side. I was scared fucking shit. Michelle is a TOTAL nut job who would probably have my fucking nuts for breakfast as soon as she gets out of the loo.

Michelle : Did you sleep well sayang? Sorry about the marks. You know how I always get carried away with you right?

I continued to stand there speechless.

Michelle : (cheeky smile) Are you feeling alright baby? You don't look too well. Better have some breakfast. I told Bee to make your eggs scrambled. After last nite we agreed you'd need at least four. Go makan sayang. I'll join you guys shortly.

Me : (whispering) What?

I had no clue what she was on about.

Michelle : Bee is in the kitchen fixing breakfast for all of us. You go start first and I'll be out soon. Or do you want me to scrub you down first?

She walked over to inspect me.

Michelle : Baby come shower first. The honey's stuck everywhere. I'll change the sheets later otherwise there'll be ants everywhere.

I was plain dumbfounded and walked in like a zombie for my scrub. In the shower I then realised what the SMSes were about. I couldn't wait to call Ravi and find out exactly what happened so I decided to play it cool and pretend I remembered everything. I got out of the shower.

Me : Sayang I need to make a call. I'll be with you in a while.

So I called Ravi.

Ravi : Fucking Bastard!

Me : Eh... What the fuck happened last nite?

Ravi : You can't fucking remember? Don't fucking kid me.

Me : No balls. Mich and Bee are at my place dawg. They're fucking having breakfast together. And I'm still alive.

Ravi : Dei pundek... You were making them do one challenge after another. Started with passing fucking ice cubes and you know where it ended?

Me : No balls. Where?

Ravi : Before you left you challenged them to exchange panties in front of you. Then they said only if you meet their next challenge at your place. So you fucking agreed and they fucking took their panties off and exchanged.

Me : In front of all of you?

Ravi : Ya chee bye. I went home dry and was wanking all nite cos of that.

Me : Don't have to rush into thanking me dawg. So I assume the challenge was a threesome? Fuck man I can't even remember that.

Ravi : Dawg... We all got the MMS la. The challenge you agreed to was to allow them to take a picture of you naked and covered in honey. Worse they made a video and Biggie put on youtube 20 mins ago.

Me : Kaninabuchowcheebye!

Episode 3 "Dawgs' Nite Out Pt 2"

We arrived at BN. It's Wed night. It's when me and my dawgs roll.

Me : See you guys inside. I gotta go see Tensing for a bit. I gotta pay her for some shit she got for me.

They went in and I went about my business when not long after I got a call from Aneh.

Ravi : Dawg... got problem. You're fucked.

Me : Whassup?

Ravi : They're all here. All three of them. Know what I'm saying?

I was getting a little concerned and kinda guessed what he was on about.

Me : Fuck me sideways... Don't tell me all of Destiny's Child there?

Ravi : BING-FUCKING-GO! THEY ARE COMMUNI-FUCKING-CATING BITCH! Fuck you gonna do now dawg? They gonna tear you a new arsehole balls. They are now friends, fool. You dig?

Me : Chill and just play along dawg.

RAVI : CHILL?!!! What the fuck's going on in that space where your brain used to be!? I fucking know them too dei! They smiling at me. And you fucking know what Michelle's like. She's crazy dawg.

Me : Look... Just chill k. I'll be there in a bit.

I met Tensing and went to BN telling myself to play the cards I'm gonna be dealt. I met Spartan just as I entered the club.

Spartan : Bro... Fucked up. Destiny's Child here... Aneh said they all used your mic ah?

Me : Yeah babe... there was a budget problem.

Spartan : Budget's not gonna be the problem now dei... Fuck you gonna do? Shall we quietly move to MOX? Jaja took one look and booked us a table at Schmooze. You go we go. How?

I looked over at the guys. They were at the bar with this 'what we gonna do?' mixed with 'look who's fucked' look on their faces.

Me : Fuck it. We'll stick to plan A.

Aneh was chatting with Destiny's Child when I walked over and joined in.

Me : All three of you here on a Wednesday. It's a small world. My my what have I done to deserve this?

I reached over to Beyoncé and kissed her.

Me, with one arm around her : Look at you. Thank you... so much... for looking the way you do. You know for a fact that it's us guys who benefit from all your relentless effort right?

Beyoncé : Please lah. You and your nonsense. This old thing...? I didn't have time.

Me : No sayang. This is D&G Summer girl and you'll never put on any old thing.

Her smile could light up a room. I reached over and kissed Kelly.

Me : And you too... Hmmm... You always smell sooo good. Lemme guess... Forbidden right?

Kelly, with her hand on my face : Yes love. Just like the fruit. Fancy a bite?

Me : The appetite's coming on. I'm sure hunger ain't too far away.

I reached over to Michelle and kissed her. She stuck her tongue into my mouth. It obviously wasn't her first Vodka.

Me : Looks like you're in quite the mood. Happy are we?

Michelle, with a wink : Yes sayang. I was just telling the girls when I saw Aneh walk in that one of us is gonna get lucky tonight cos whenever he's here it means you...

Ravi interrupted : Hahahaha... Yah... Yah... Lucky lucky. Whenever I walk in with him I feel lucky too! So damn lucky. Right dawg?

The girls were a little taken aback with his sudden reaction. I closed my eyes and with my palm on my forehead thought to myself that if anyone's gonna put me six feet under it's gonna be him. The best part is it'll be a result of him thinking he's saving my ass. Just shoot me now.

Me : Yeah dawg... Damn lucky. Lemme go talk to the boys for a bit I'll be back.

I left Ravi to entertain them, went over to the bar and joined the rest.

Haji : So how? We going MOX?

Me : Look... just chill and it's all gonna be good. The more we kan cheong the more we gonna fuck up.

Jaja : Not WE dude. Bayi it's your fucking funeral. You muthafucking Bob Marley... we the the muthafucking Wailers. You mampus we continue muthafucking wailing. You dig? What's worse you know what Michelle's like. That bitch is from the funny farm. She find out you bonking Beyoncé and Kelly and you dead muthafucker.

Charlie Chapati : Ya balls. That bitch scary dah. Last time she grab my kotek balls. Damn pain.

Jaja : Fuck off lah Chapati... She squeeze your fucking kotek and you must have come big time balls. When's the last time you jabblar? 2 years ago? You say you don't even wank right? I swear when you sneeze muthafucking cum sprays out of your nose balls and that'll be some long ass distance shit. You can have your own muthafucking extreme porn site babe...www.sneeze-a-load.com with a picture of your muthafucking honker in a bitch's mouth.

Chapati : Wah! You damn mean ah you.

Just then I go an sms. It was from Michelle. I looked over at her and she was smiling back. It read 'Wanna fuck?'. Ah... let the games begin. I replied 'I'm good for 2am later. Morning meeting so have to be done by 6. How?' and looked at her. She smiled and replied 'Done. I'll be at your place by 2:30'.

Marc Anthony kinda guessed there was some communication between Michelle and me.

Marc Anthony : You decided? Safe move choosing Michelle. Are the rest wide open?

Me : Always dawg always. Go get'em tiger.

Marc : So which one's the best fuck?

Suddenly everyone found interest in our conversation.

Me : All good. Actually great but Beyoncé is in a class of her own man. She's really fuckin' A.

Biggie : The fuck do you mean dawg? She swallows ah? Pantat how? Can Jadi?

Me : It's not that... They all do everything but Beyoncé loves to take charge. She directs what she wants and the way she'll ask you for it you just can't say no balls. She has this whole feminine thing going on and uses it so fucking well you could look down on cloud nine.

Chorus : Oooooooooo Faaaarkkk!!

Jaja : Muthafucker... They ALL do EVERYTHING ah?

Me : Yah but what's the big deal?

Haji : Kanina the last bitch I had I needed to show step by step lah. Lessons 30 minutes. Foreplay 3 minutes and jabblar 3 minutes.

Spartan : Fucking useless fella. 3 fucking minutes?

Haji : You try giving 30 fucking minutes of instructions to a naked woman and see if your balls gonna burst or not.

Jaja : Anyway dawg... What about Michelle? Bet she's into S&M. That fucking nut house. You can tahan the pain ah?

Chorus : Enjoy!

Me : No man. I don't dig that shit. She's very lovey dovey lah. Quite the opposite. She loves missionary and is so into blowjobs. Not that I'm complaining but too much dick worshipping... Sucks. Hahaha... Anyway I gotta go take a leak.'

I met Kelly on my way to the John.

Kelly : Sayang... Tonight how? Can I see you?

Me : Tonight's no good. I'm sure it's gonna be a long one.

Kelly : Baby I miss you. I'll go home soon and come in the morning can?

Me : What time cos I have a lunch appointment at 12ish.

Kelly : I'll come at 8. Want breakfast? McDonald's?

Me : No. Burger King. Extra eggs if possible. Think I'm gonna need the protein.

Kelly : OK sayang. I'm sure you'll need lots of it. You have a nice night with the boys k.

Me : I will. See you in the morning.

I came out of the loo and there she was. Beyoncé. My favourite.

Me : Finally I get you alone. You busy tomorrow?

Beyoncé : What time?

Me : After lunch. say 2?

Beyoncé : Your place?

Me : sure.

Episode 3 "Dawgs' Nite Out Pt 1"

One night at Bar Jay...

Me : Doesn't look like he was pressing the right buttons with you.

She : I suppose you think you'll do better? Be warned, I just told him to piss off.

Me : Of course I'll do better. I wrote the book.

She, sarcastically : Ooooohhh... I can't wait... It's so exciting.

Me, calmly and looking away : C'mon... Don't rush into it. Be patient. Foreplay's the best part. It's the anticipation more than the climax that makes it all worth it.

She : Foreplay? Anticipation? Handsome... climax is when the fat lady sings and that's bottom line. Don't you know what the 'Money Shot' is?

Me : Ah... Interesting... Looks like the conversation is heading South. Not that I don't like it. I mean... My foreplay and your climax. You... Complete me.

She, looking at me straight in the eye : Now now Mr Maguire... I suppose you think you're gonna get into my pants tonight and hear me sing?

Me, with a wink : I suppose you think very highly of yourself. Get down from the pedestal and keep your pants on love. What I really need to get into is a drink. It's been a long day and looks like you're almost done with yours. Can I get you the same?

There was a longer than expected pause here and I honestly couldn't read what that was about.

She : Hmmm...Wait. What are you having?

Me : Martini. Dry.

She turns to Donnie, the bar manager : Two Dry Martinis please.

Donnie looks at me : Twist?

Me : Ya. Thanks.

Me, turning to her : I'm impressed. I must say.

She : Why? Can't a lady buy a drink? Which kampung are you from? Aren't you being a bit of an MC...

I just had to stop her because I've heard this lecture before.

Me : It's not that sayang... I'm impressed cos u went from Champagne to a Martini. You either don't know what you're doing or are in total control. I'd like to think it's the latter. Anyway about the kampung I'm from... Lemme put it this way... When we get down to it I'll let you take control and gladly have you on top of things.

She : Hahaha. Smart ass.

Me : Takes one to know one. Cheers!

She : Cheers!

She, putting down her glass : So... What do you do to pay bills?

Me : Let's just say I space out all day and get paid for it.

She : Creative fella, huh?

Me, with a smile : You could say that and what do you do when you're not picking studs up at the bar?

She : Let's just say I'm in finance.

Me : Ah... Explains your bottom line approach to everything. I'll be right back. I need to go drop my boys off at the pool.

She : So much for foreplay.

Me : OUCH! And you don't go till I come k? I'm not fond of having blue balls.

She dipped her middle finger into her Martini, sucked on it, pointed it at me and smiled. Game Set & Match!

I bumped into Haji as I made my way to the John.He looked happy.

Haji : Whassup? I passed my driving lah. Where the rest? Where you going?

Me : Need to pee babe. Mary told me about your driving test. Congratulations blood. They're all late as usual lah.

Haji : OK. Where we sitting?

Me : No table. I'm at the bar with that bird in red.

Haji looked across. Wide-eyed he turned back to me.

Haji : Walau Ooi! Happening! Her bedengdengs damn big balls. You came with her ah? What's her name?

Me : Fuck... I don't know balls. Haven't got to that part yet. I need to go now. You go say hi and introduce yourself as my friend first lah.

Haji : Wait. Does she know your name?

Me, walking away : No.

Haji : Kanina. Fucking Bayi.

I left a very confused Haji, went to put out the fire and came back to a pretty crowded spot I was occupying not too long ago. They all arrived when I was somewhat indisposed and the moths simply went to the flame. Biggie, Ravi, Spartan, Marc Anthony, Jaja and Haji were surrounding my forthcoming conquest. That poor poor bitch.

Me : WHASSUP DAWGS!?

They reciprocated in a chorus, "Whassup?". So we did our homie thing with the handshakes and hugs.

Ravi, looking confident and pointing her out : Dawg...Lemme introduce you to this lovely lady, Samantha. Samantha this is...

I put my hand on his mouth to stop him. With a cheeky smile I dipped my middle finger into her Martini and was going to put it in my mouth when she took it and put it in hers.

The boys whispered yet another chorus. "Oooohhhhhh!!!!!! Faaaarrrrk!" I believe Ravi didn't join in.

Marc : Bayi... You brought a friend? Thought it's Dawgs' Night?

We have this understanding that Wednesday nights are for the boys only.

Sam(antha) : I didn't come with him and he's not a friend... yet anyway. We just got to know each other.

Spartan : Damn... Must be some finger sucking club members balls. I wanna join.

Jaja to Spartan : Dawg... anytime you wanna suck me you lemme know. Anywhere can. No membership necessary

Spartan : Fuck off lah pundek.

Sam, looking at me : Interesting lot... your flock.

Me : I know. More of a pack than a flock. It's our night out. Just boys. We come here first then decide where to head to.

The evening continued with some chit chat and me getting to know Sam just a little better. I received a text message and it was time for us to head out.

Me : We gotta go. Charlie Chapati is at BN waiting.

Haji : Hunting season is OPEN!

Me to Sam : So I guess I'll catch you around.

Sam : I guess

We finished our drinks and left. In the elevator...

Ravi : So how? Jabblar?

Me : Later. See how.

Jaja : Fucker's gonna kudi later and call her. Then FINISH! The bitch'll be in a wheelchair.

Me : I'll need her number first.

Chorus : Faaarrrkkked up!

Episode 2 "The Criminals"

"How last night?" I asked Ravi over the phone. "Heavy duty brudder... heavy duty" he replied. "Fuck man! I missed out big time. Fucking client was up my ass the whole night balls. Anyway who was there?" I asked.

"The Usual Criminals... Biggie, Jaja, Tensing, Marc Anthony, and the gang lah. Dawg... MOX was packed like a mutha but Jaja fixed us up as usual lah. We hung at Schmooze and the birds were deadly bro. There was this one who was fucking haaaappennnning babe." I interrupted with." Wait...wait..I know ur fucking taste in women. The bitch must have been a fucking whale and probably beached like one too. Right?"

A very predictable reply came along. "Fuck you and your fucking nonsense. This one is the shiznit bro. Whenever she passed by Jaja and Mark started behaving like Tupac. You know... Like gangsta. Mark trying to do the westside sign with his hands but the fucker didn't know he was doing the Vanilla Ice. Blady kumbi."

"Lemme guess... You scored the bitch?" I asked. "Who da man dawg?" he replied and I said," Must be one helluva dog ugly bitch!"

Then I did what I just had to do. I hung up with Ravi and called Jaja.

"Bow wow wow!" came Jaja's usual way of answering the phone and my reply to that's always "Yippee Yo Yippee Yay". "Whassup dawg?" he asked. I made it casual with, "Nuthin' much. How was the party last nite? Was it slamming'?"

"It was good. You should have been there. The usual suspects hooked up. My fucking nipples are sore babe." I interrupted with," You must have been fucking with Tensing babe. You know once she kudi don't fuck with her dawg but you just gotta keep going till you fucking wake up with C cups."

"Usual lah babe. Sore nipples mean the night was good. Anyway I gotta tell you this... Aneh was checking out this chickadee at Hip Hop and Marc Anthony and me started checking him out. You know his shit right. Once he targets a beeyatch he'll evolve. So he started to tangkap handsome and started with his fucking indian cockney slang at the bar where we were. So I told Marc we'll look like his loser friends lah. You know... spoil his market and shit. We started behaving like a couple a kumbis whenever she was near. His face boring balls and kept telling us to behave." he said.

I asked," Was she happening?" and he replied" Wait... wait... I'll get to that later. Biggie was at end of the bar with this million dollar smile and just shook his head while smiling looking at Aneh. Later on Aneh left with her and we were saying finally the fella landed something decent. Truth be told the bitch was pretty hot. Face a bit long but ok lah. After he left Biggie came over and we started discussing Aneh's adventure. Dawg... check this out... Biggie told us Aneh's catch used to be his classmate from secondary school dei!"

Secondary schoo? That's weird, I was thinking to myself so I said," Can't be dawg. You're mistaken. Biggie went to Queensway Boys School babe. You got it wrong dah.

Silence.

More Silence.

Then it hit me. OH FUCK!

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!. SHEILA WAS A MAN! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" I just couldn't control myself and listening to Jaja's laughter neither could he. I was tearing like I had raw onions rubbed in my eyes.

"Then you fuckers didn't tell him ah? Blady slimy bastards!" I said and Jaja asked," Would you?'

"NO! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... Oh God. Oh shit. Dawg I call you back. I have to call him now." I hung up and tried so hard to control myself before calling him Ravi.

"Whassup?" Ravi answered his phone. "I just got off the phone with Jaja. He was filling me in on your little adventure." I said.

"Ah... What the fucker said? Whatever he said lemme tell you the truth... She's one happening bird dawg. I shit you not."

I said," Speaking of shit does she take it up the exit? Did you get to push her stool in for her? And is her pussy the really wet type" and he replied," Funny you should ask... We had a little quickie in the lift and she die die wanted it up the ass. Fucking exciting balls. Imagine kena one chic like that and straight pantat balls. No need for all that beating around the bush and shit."

I asked," Speaking of bush how was her pussy dawg?... And her bedengdengs? Firm?" Ravi replied," Her mahplems are out of this fucking world dawg. Perfect size and nice and firm. I can't forget how they felt like in my hands balls. Macam nicely ripe melons. Fucking ace dawg."

I just had to persist with," Dei... the chee bye how dah?" and he replied," Can't remember but I'm gonna find out later. She just messaged me. Asked me to go out tonight and she wants both of us to get pissed drunk and then we jabblar at her place. Fuck man... it's my fucking lucky day! OK dawg... I gotta go get ready... Later."

As much as I wanted to I just culdn't let him find out the HARD way so to speak so I said," Dawg you remember the Tone Loc song Funky Cold Medina and my favourite line from it?" he replied." Ya I know. 'Sheila was a man' right?"

"Ya dawg. This line's for you. Cut the story short your hot bitch was Biggie's classmate at Queensway Boys. Sheila was a man!" I said.

Silence

More silence.

Then came," Aiyohyoh... Aiyohyoh... Kadeivaleh! I kissed him dah!"

Episode 1 "Bigfoot"

"Eh! Aneh! You want a drink or not?" Nasty (one of BN's bartenders) was asking impatiently. Couldn't blame him for getting a little worked up cos the bar was packed and Ravi's eyes were roving.

"No no... I came here for your blady sister. Of course I want a drink lah. Gimme a Vodka Redbull and hurry up." Ravi said and gave me a victorious look. He obviously felt he had let Nasty have it.

He thought wrong.

"Babe... I got no sister but if you want I can ask my four brothers to gang bang your backside later and my father can watch. WHO'S YOUR DADDY?!!!!! Hahahahahahahaha..." Nasty faded away in the distance and victory left Ravi's building.

"Para pundek! This fucker always like that. I'm a customer man and he talks to me like that." Ravi said.

"Dei... The fucker was waiting for your order while you busy checking the nonok scene. Then you gotta start with his sister. Now suddenly you are the big fucking customer? By the way Mr Customer... this means you paying for drinks ah?" I just had to straighten this fella out; which happens to be a regular exercise I conduct with him.

"Fuck you lah! Drink your fucking drink and shaddup." That's Ravi for you. "Anyway... where the fuck is Biggie? He's always fucking late know. Fucking superstar attitude after he won that DJ competition. His blady walk also changed balls. You see later his legs go senget a bit when he walks...like Puff Daddy. Like as if his jewels got problem. You know the..." Ravi stopped for a moment with his eyes fixed at the entrance and continued with,"Ooooooooohhhhhhhhhh daaaawwwggggg! Check her out balls! She's a fucking Goddess!" I turned and tried very hard to locate the target. Given my experience with him, I reserved any possible excitement until the target was confirmed. Still I had trouble locating her.

"Where lah dawg? Which one? What she wearing?" I asked.

"There lah bitch. Aiyoh! You fucking blind or what?" Ravi was a little irritated by my failure to spot the obvious."The one in the pink halter neck. Look at her dah. There's a God man."

"The one at table 3?" I asked. "Yeah man." he replied. Holy Shit! I just couldn't believe it. He's taken his taste to even newer lows.

"DAWG!!!!!!! You must be off your fucking rocker. She's a fucking Sasquatch! Go to www.bigfoot.com and you'll see her there. She paid 2 blady covers to get into the club alone balls. Look at her bare back dei... It's a fucking projector screen for National Day Parade. She IS fucking SunBlock balls and..." Before I could finish Ravi Interrupted. "Shut the blady fuck up lah bitch! Just because you kena that happening chic with the big bedengdengs that day you think you Brad Pit and the rest of us Arm Pit issit?! Chee Bye!"

"I tell you what... Let Biggie judge when he comes and loser pays for drinks tonight. How?" I asked.

"Biggie may have attitude but the fucker got damn good taste babe. You saw his nonok that day? Happening balls. You are ON muthafucker! Get ready to weep bitch" Then Ravi paused for a moment of silence and continued," Eh... If for some reason Biggie says she not happening then you pay first dawg. Pay mine also. I'll pay you next time. Thanks babe." Ravi has an uncanny ability of concluding the situation to his preference. Just as he finished those words Biggie walked in through BN's doors. I must agree that his walk has changed.

"Whassup people? How's it hanging brudders?" Biggie asked complete with hip hop arms in the air.

"Definitely not hanging like yours babe. What the fuck is wrong with your walk?" I asked.

"Dei... Not so loud lah." Biggie almost whispered. "That day I was helping my dad move his cupboard sekali one kinda fucking pain kena my balls, balls. I tell you can die lah. Fucking tears came out babe. I went to see doctor. Alamak! Shy dah. Kena one cute young woman doctor lah. How can first time meet straight kena show balls babe? Not happening..." Biggie was saying before Ravi interrupted very audibly with, " Dei! You kena Hernia ah?!"

Time stood still for poor Biggie. The chics around us burst out laughing while the guys simply imagined the pain.

"Aneh! You damn blady bastard lah! Why don't you advertise on radio and television? Tell everyone Biggie's balls tak balance lah. Damn chee bye know you." Biggie was upset. I understood both the physical and mental anguish he was going through so I broke the situation with the Sasquatch issue.

"OK! OK! Enough. Dawg, Aneh thinks the world of that girl in the pink top. Whaddaya think of her? Scale of 1 to 10." I asked Biggie while Ravi gave his most confident look.

"The pink one with the bare back?" Biggie asked with eyes wide open. "Definitely!" Ravi replied.

"What scale you talking about bro? Richter Scale ah? Then she's a perfect 10 balls." He then turned to Ravi and said," Aneh you mad or what. My balls injured can cure one. Your blady eyes must lasik bro, cos got no lense thick enough to cure your fucking eyesight problem balls. She lie down flat can do advertisement lah. Instead of buy mattress get handphone free become marry her get mattress free balls." Biggie said with a pretty serious look on this face.

Ravi looked at both of us, pointed his finger and said," Fuck you and you. Blady low life bitches with no taste for fine women. This the kinda woman who'll make you feel like a man."

"Ya balls... cos she looks like one" Biggie came back quickly.

"Anyway I'm gonna walk over and do my thing. Know what I'm sayin' dawgs?" Ravi said with an almost cheeky smile complete with wink. Biggie butted in with," Wait, wait, wait Aneh. I think you better don't do your thing babe. It never worked lah. You will start with one kinda rojak slang and the poor bitch won't know what the fuck you are saying balls. Last time remember you kena one tight slap cos you slang 'excuse me' me and the chic heard 'pussy'? Ah?... Remember? You better do Bayi's thing babe. He stylo macam sniper. One shot one kill but sometimes he also kills dogs lah."

"Better than a fucking bobo shooter like you balls. You try to pick up the girl but the brother send you home balls. Ah!... Remember?" I asked. I must admit enjoying the sniper part although it's pretty exaggerated. I do get my fair share of the kill though.

"Don't remind me balls. The fella was senget lah, trying to raba me in the cab balls." Came Biggie's upset reply and Ravi came back with," Then call him now lah bro. He can massage your balls one time and the Hernia will straight hilang bro. His magical touch like David fucking Blane and the pain will be like 'Now you feel it. Now you don't'. Anyway... Later dawgs I'm goin' fishin'." And with that Ravi walked towards Bigfoot.

"Fishing? More like whaling balls." Biggie turned to me and said. "Anyway Bayi, Last time you thinking of running your own club. Did anything happen? Remember you talking about your idea for a club?" he asked.

"Ya I was thinking but didn't pursue the matter lah. Don't know where to start balls. Investors, location, concept and shit. Maybe I should just stick to the consultancy part and leave club running to others lah. Once you run a club the only life you have is social babe. No more getting up Sunday mornings. More like getting into bed on Sunday mornings. Some more once you start running a club confirm you become a 'Heavy Duty Johnny' balls. Every night sure kena mabuk then later go to Pierre Png for some liver babe and sapu whatever he got left." I said.

"Babe, you should do it lah. The stuff you do now all kena one. Your parties always packed what so you gotta make the money for yourself now. Some more I can play my shit in your club on Thursdays and maybe Kumbi can play on Fridays also what. That's when I'm free babe." he said and I replied,"You want me to run a club for myself or you wanna fill your Thursdays chee bye?". Just then Ravi returned from his fishing trip.

"The fat fucking bitch is a fucking dyke. Pity her girlfriend balls having to go out with Free Willy. What da fuck does her partner see in her balls? I mean look at her lah dawgs, she's a fucking road block." Ravi obviously wasn't quite in the same mood he was in when he left. He continued with," Anyway, let's drink."

Biggie and me looked at each other, lifted our glasses and all three of us chorused,"ENJOY!" before Ravi turned to Nasty and said," One more round brudder!"

"Screw" - The Pilot

"Whassup dawg?!" I yelled over the phone. "Does she swallow?"

"Swallow?! She wanted to fucking eat me balls!" Ravi replied to my favourite question. A little more excitement in his tone than usual so I assumed all went well.

"Fucking A bitch. She must have been down south for a camping trip where your tent was pitched. Like at least 3 days or something" I said in obvious anticipation of forthcoming details.

"Camping!? Fucking eat me lah babe... I mean literally. The bitch took out fucking small packets of ketchup lah. From her faarrking gucci bag balls! And the shit's from Burger King. She started squirting the shit all over me balls. Like I was a fucking Whopper. Lucky she didn't upsize balls cos the way things were going maybe a man would pop out of her bag and fuck me in the ass bro. Without ketchup! The woman's got some serious issues babe." Ravi wasn't too happy.

"What the fuck?! You fucking kidding me. She was like all nice and almost innocent and shit at BN. I was thinking this engine's gonna need warm up. So how?" i asked

"Warm up?! That would have been a happy fucking meal for her balls. Schumacher went straight for pole position balls. I got the fuck out of her place like fast fucking food. I thought I was gonna die. You know how the horror stories start what. Nice girl, pick her up at the club then send her home. The bitch gotta check into her family place babe... Bates Motel. Fucking nut!" Ravi till wasn't quite calmed yet.

"You really got arse luck with chics balls. Either you end up with a real dog or a crazy bitch. Eh... Maybe you should have just continued. Could have been fun you know. I mean nowadays chics gotta take cue from Zoe. She openly admits to swallowing right? Get a chic who uses SK11 and she'll let you spray all over her face. Or one who botoxed her ass so you know she takes it from behind. How?" I just couldn't help it.

"Eh! Fuck you lah Bayi! Blady Pundek" he was finally laughing. "You and your fucking wisecracks. How wanna go makan? Hungry lah"

"Set! I'll see you at Burger King!" Click